So. How’s everyone been?

I lied to you.

I mean, if it’s any consolation, I was lying to myself as well, I just didn’t know it.  I was not ok, and I remained not ok for about 18 months.  I did head to California and hike a little bit of the PCT, along which I met some incredible people and continued to believe I was harnessing my grief in a positive way, but after I left the trail and hit Portland and New York City for a while, I was mostly into full-blown self-destruct mode.  I was drinking for breakfast and fuelling my body with donuts and nicotine.

Healthy grieving:

Not healthy grieving:

Upon my return to the UK, and to work, I became increasingly aware of how little I cared about myself and everything I did.  I put on weight (near enough 25lbs), I neglected household chores (not quite on par with an episode of ‘Hoarders’, but not the usual standard you’d expect of a grown ass woman).  I stopped socialising and arranging to do things, opting instead to read books about death and loss and everything miserable so I could wallow in it.  I basically became a fat, melancholy hermit.

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But in October, 2018, I went to Switzerland with my friend Lisa with the intention to hike.  Hiking we did, but what shocked me was how unfit I had become.  I was out of breath, my hiking clothes hugged me a little too tightly, and – worst of all – the photos Lisa took were the kind of paparazzi shots you’d pay good money to shut down.  It was the wake-up call I needed, and as soon as I got home I took some ‘before’ photos and began my journey of self-improvement in earnest.  After all, on top of starting to come to terms with the loss of my brother, I had to consider the impact my health would have on my MS diagnosis (something I’d given very little zero thought to).

 

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2018 v. 2019

I started exercising more, improving my diet, and cutting out unhealthy activities.  I started to take an interest in things again.

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Although I have accepted that life is transient and, ultimately, meaningless, I also started to actually believe, as Miguel de Unamuno wrote, that “if it is nothingness that awaits us, let us make an injustice of it.”

13 thoughts on “So. How’s everyone been?

  1. Welcome back!!!! Glad to hear you’re now in a better place both mentally and physically. I look forward to more medal related updates soon (my running / cycling blog addiction needs your updates!!)

    • Ha, although I have taken a bit of a step back from hunting for medals, I have inadvertently found myself in a few situations this year that have yielded a neck trophy.

  2. I’ve checked this site several times over the last few years to see if you’d pop up. It’s great to hear from you again, and to see that you’re moving forward in life, taking care of yourself.

    • Dan! I’ve got to admit that I have reciprocated, and I notice you’ve only just recently made a return (kind of) to blogging! Likewise, I’m glad to see everything is happily ticking over with you. 🙂

  3. Glad to see you back. You need to hit the low points as these often come to give the kick up the butt required to sort things out. Trying to get back in shape myself. It’s not easy! xx

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