Frequently googled questions

I’m sure I’ve come across a post that dealt with questions that cropped up frequently in search terms that led to their blog, and at the time i thought it was a fun idea, but unfortunately the majority of the search terms that led to ‘medalslut’ were filthy.  however, since i’ve been around for nearly a year, there have been a few non-sexual search terms that have cropped up more than once.  today, i endeavor to answer six of them.  enjoy.

 

What do you do with your race bibs?

I stick mine in photo albums from Paperchase, since they are the perfect size for pretty much every race bib I’ve received, although I have seen some pretty sweet ideas online.

One of my favourites is the idea to use old race bibs to wallpaper a room, and I would totally do this if I was living in a house that I thought I’d be living in for several years.  However, I live in a one-bedroom apartment that has a kitchen smaller than a bathroom and literally no free space, so wallpapering half my living room would make it appear tiny and cluttered.  One day…

Another neat way of using your old race bibs is to have them transformed into a sports bag.  Although I’ve never used them, Races R My Bag have some nice looking bags on their site, and if I was ever feeling particularly indulgent, I would consider having a bag custom made!

Midpack Runner also has several (some serious, some not so much) uses for your old race bibs.

Do you get a medal for Tough Mudder?

No.  You DO NOT get a medal for Tough Mudder.  Things you DO get for completing a Tough Mudder:

  • Orange headband.
  • T-shirt.
  • Beer.
  • Bruises/cuts/scrapes.
  • Mud in your ears/nose/mouth/buttcrack.
Tough Mudder headband on the medal rack

Tough Mudder headband on the medal rack

How do I life model in Aberdeen?

First of all, I think it’s important to point out that life modelling isn’t a walk in the park.  The biggest obstacle is not being naked in front of a roomful of people and listening to the instructor (if it’s a taught class) go around and tell people that “the waist should be thicker” or “she has folds (just another word for fat rolls) there, don’t airbrush your drawing”.  The biggest obstacle is pain, followed closely by extreme boredom.  Parts of your body are going to fall asleep and your body’s natural reaction is going to be to want to move it.  Muscles you didn’t know even existed will ache, and you’re going to want to change position.

Unless you luck out and there are mirrored walls in the studio (a la Aberdeen College), the easels will be facing away from you, and once you’ve studied every square inch of the room, you will be alone with your thoughts.  For hoooooouuuuuuuuurrrrrrrrssssssss.  For this, I found it helpful to play games: go through the alphabet and think of a (song name/artist/food/animal/band/celebrity/sport/whatever) that starts with each letter – you cannot advance without coming up with something.

Also – the sheets, chairs, mattresses, pillows, etc. that you perch yourself upon?  Other naked people have been there first.  With their naked bits.  And if these props are in a big studio with several classes?  Probably not washed regularly.  I’m just saying.

So how do you enter this glamorous profession, I hear you shouting at your screen?  Well, I found an ad in the University job center for a local artist wanting models.  I phoned him up and modelled for a Saturday morning class for three hours.  I did that a few times, and modelled for him privately (he has his own studio at home), and then pretty much called every place I thought might need an artists model and gave them my details.  And they pretty much all phoned back.

You see, a lot of people think it’s an easy way to make cash, so they sign up readily, but after one or two sessions the novelty wears off and they quit.  This means that places trying to find models are usually desperate for someone reliable.  I think the only time I never showed up for a modelling job, I had gastroenteritis and was crapping/vomiting so much I didn’t eat/leave my apartment for about 3 days (and had to cancel a supply teaching job which would have also yielded a chunky sum of nice money – disappointing).  What I’m trying to say is, don’t be a flake.

And now, a list of places that I know of that offer life drawing sessions that might be worth contacting if you are still interested in life modelling:

Aberdeen College: you will need to fill in a full disclosure (takes 2-3 weeks) since you’ll be working with ‘young people’ (16+, apart from the evening class that has seniors from a local school – that was a bit awkward during my teacher training).  They have work throughout the day as well as an evening class (last I worked in was a Tuesday from 7-9pm).

White Space: Informal evening class (usually a Monday or Tuesday evening) for members of the local community.  The room gets cold in the winter (even though there are always heater in life modelling classes), but I am extra sensitive to the cold.  If you’re fat, you’ll be grand!

Gray’s School of Art: As an art school, they offer life drawing, obviously.  I’ve never worked there though – they offered the lowest rates at the time, I don’t know if that’s changed!

Limosine Bull: This was probably one of my favourite places to work.  Informal evening classes, and if you went regularly the same faces would appear (and bring you sweets!).  It looks like their venue is changing, but they still offer life drawing classes.

Peacock Visual Arts: I worked there once or twice, years ago.  A brief scan of their website doesn’t show any life drawing classes just now, but maybe worth a try.

Once you can show you’re reliable, you’ll probably start getting asked by people in the class about other classes/projects.  I’ve danced to music for a class in Stonehaven that liked short drawings, and modelled privately for several people.  The classes are where you start out, but the informal groups are way more fun (and let you choose your own poses, sometimes).

How do I avoid weird tan lines when running?

Well, the way I see it you have three options for this:

  1. Run at night
  2. Wear a zentai suit
  3. Run naked.

Is my physiotherapist a slut?

To answer simply, I don’t know.  Ask them out for a drink after work and if balls are being cupped under the table, then maybe.

How do I prevent logo cracking on my 2XU tights?

As far as I’m aware, you don’t, unfortunately.  But it shows they’re being used, which shows you’re not lazy.  So wear your crack with pride! (And if anyone actually finds a way to prevent cracking, let me know)

3 thoughts on “Frequently googled questions

  1. ‘Is my physiotherapist a slut?’ That’s always the first thing I want to know about any professional who will be manipulating my body 😛

    Cute post!

  2. Your blog title remains the best one I’ve read, so I’m sure you get a TON of creepy google searches (and I love the posts that leak a few samples). I love this idea though, because every now and then I get google searches with questions that require very loud “NO YOU IDIOT THAT’S A TERRIBLE IDEA” but I have no access to the idiot in question. Alas.

    Don’t be surprised if I totally bogart this.

    • Bogart away – I stole the idea from someone else (Amy Lavender, I think)! And you’re right, these are definitely the PG search terms. Maybe I’ll do an X-rated post one day..

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