50 Shades of Grey

As promised (because I KNOW you couldn’t wait), a photographic representation of how I felt reading Chapter 3 of 50 Shades of Grey, also known as the biggest pile of talent-void crap to earn millions since Jordan.  And what better atmosphere to experience some erotic fiction than at 8pm in a twin room in a Bed and Breakfast in Inverness with a friend who was supposed to be on a hot date, but the broad pulled out last minute (who does that?).

One: Grant takes a sneaky shot while I’m perfecting my ‘seductive’ voice (and also, clearly, my ‘seductive’ look – I mean if that isn’t some sexy, tousled hair, I don’t know what is!).  Oh, and OF COURSE the narrator’s name is Anastasia Steele.  Couldn’t have a ‘Jane’ or a ‘Harriet’, or even maybe a ‘Claire’, could we?

Two: Confusion.  Haven’t I read this exact sentence seventeen times before? And for someone so sexually inexperienced, this chick’s mind goes to some dark places when a dude wants to buy some cable ties at a hardware store. Uh, huh, that dastardly Mr. Grey is so controlling and shit.

Three: Oh my hell, she actually wrote the phrase ‘put the pedal to the metal’.

Four: I quit.

We never ventured beyond Chapter Three, though a reading of Chapter Four has been used as a threat several times since.

In other news, it seems like some of the 14 year old boys I teach are capable of writing prose more erotic than 50 Shades.  Unintentionally.  Here is an excerpt from a mock newspaper article about three brothers (the Wallaces) attacking a group of three black people including a Mr L T Morrison (the book is set in 1930’s Mississippi – all about racism/prejudice):

We interviewed Mr L T Morrison.  ‘They all think they can come on to us like that, I had to do what I had to do and I’m sorry it had to go this far.’

We also interviewed Kaleb Wallace.  ‘They came out of nowhere, took us from behind and brutally attacked us.’

More erotic than 50 Shades of Grey.  Am I right?

18 thoughts on “50 Shades of Grey

  1. Haha! I think the best thing about 50 Shades is watching the reactions of people on the tube trying to pretend they are not reading (terribly terribly written) porn

    • I read a funny (and scathing) review of all three books. It was enough to pique my interest just enough to make me want to find out for myself how terrible they were.

      Hope you’re healing quickly. Luckily there are several good books out there to keep your mind occupied whilst you’re resting! Suggestions for a GOOD read:

      ‘The Minotaur takes a Cigarette Break’ by Steven Sherrill

      ‘The God of Small Things’ by Arundhati Roy

      ‘Love in the Time of Cholera’ by Gabriel Garcia Marquez

      ‘A Thousand Splendid Suns’ and ‘The Kite Runner’ by Khaled Hosseini

      (for starters)


      • I’ve read 3 of the books on the list, will look into the others, thanks for the suggestions! I found the “50” shades books rather humorous and my first venture into that genre of books. I loved the emails in the books 🙂

      • We flicked through the book in the supermarket and saw some of the e-mails. That was really the tipping point – but I had totally forgotten about them until your comment.

        Now I might have to actually finish the thing!

    • Glad I could steer you clear of that garbage! I want to say it’s so bad that it’s worth reading for a laugh, but it’s just so boring. Admittedly I still have not gone beyond Chapter 3.

  2. I am so glad there are others that felt like i did. I read the first book and I was like “Really? This is what has everyone going OOOOHHHHH and AAAAHHHHH?” I have friends that just can’t stop talking about the books and how they are in love with this fictional character, etc. REALLY? I stopped after the first book but am upset that I can’t get those hours of my life spent reading the first one back.

    • Totally. So far my impression of Mr. Grey is that he’s a bit of a prick, and my impression of Anastasia is that she’s a spineless, needy, irritating, clumsy schmuck. And if there are THAT many people out there who think what goes on in the book is ‘kinky’, they have a whole lot of internet to discover.

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