As promised (because I KNOW you couldn’t wait), a photographic representation of how I felt reading Chapter 3 of 50 Shades of Grey, also known as the biggest pile of talent-void crap to earn millions since Jordan. And what better atmosphere to experience some erotic fiction than at 8pm in a twin room in a Bed and Breakfast in Inverness with a friend who was supposed to be on a hot date, but the broad pulled out last minute (who does that?).
One: Grant takes a sneaky shot while I’m perfecting my ‘seductive’ voice (and also, clearly, my ‘seductive’ look – I mean if that isn’t some sexy, tousled hair, I don’t know what is!). Oh, and OF COURSE the narrator’s name is Anastasia Steele. Couldn’t have a ‘Jane’ or a ‘Harriet’, or even maybe a ‘Claire’, could we?
Two: Confusion. Haven’t I read this exact sentence seventeen times before? And for someone so sexually inexperienced, this chick’s mind goes to some dark places when a dude wants to buy some cable ties at a hardware store. Uh, huh, that dastardly Mr. Grey is so controlling and shit.
Three: Oh my hell, she actually wrote the phrase ‘put the pedal to the metal’.
We never ventured beyond Chapter Three, though a reading of Chapter Four has been used as a threat several times since.
In other news, it seems like some of the 14 year old boys I teach are capable of writing prose more erotic than 50 Shades. Unintentionally. Here is an excerpt from a mock newspaper article about three brothers (the Wallaces) attacking a group of three black people including a Mr L T Morrison (the book is set in 1930’s Mississippi – all about racism/prejudice):
We interviewed Mr L T Morrison. ‘They all think they can come on to us like that, I had to do what I had to do and I’m sorry it had to go this far.’
We also interviewed Kaleb Wallace. ‘They came out of nowhere, took us from behind and brutally attacked us.’
More erotic than 50 Shades of Grey. Am I right?